BEN SHAPIRO IMMUNIZES AN INNOCENT CHILD WITH VAX AND LOGIC
by UglyTurnip
Summary: AKA UglyTurnip stands on a soapbox for roughly a thousand words. A fic that probably won't do any good for any cause, but one I wanted to write anyway.


**I don't like to be the kind of guy to stand up on a soapbox, and I imagine that most of the people that read this will wholeheartedly agree with the message, but I kinda just wanted to write this for the sake of writing this. If, by some chance, you don't agree with this message, I implore you to double-check your research. Please vaccinate your kids. I do not question your intelligence or your reasoning skills if you are anti-vax, but you are almost certainly in the wrong on this issue.**

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Once upon a time, in a land known as the Untied Status of America, the existed a small lad known as Timothy. Timothy was five years old, with curly chestnut brown hair, green eyes, and a talent for singing _a cappella _at his local opera house. Anyways, as far as kids go, Timothy was a pretty good one.

As far as kids go, Timothy was also pretty lucky. You see, Timothy's mom, while well-intentioned, was also rather prone to falling under the chaotic sway of conspiracy theories. She hated the autism, and feared that one day the autism would infect her precious little Timothy. Therefore, Timothy lacked his most important vaccines. It was nothing short of a miracle that some fatal disease hadn't wiped Timothy off the face of the Earth.

I must emphasize once more that Timothy's mom is not evil. Dangerously misinformed? Indeed, but not malicious. That is why little Timothy was about to be graced by a hero unlike any other. While out at the local Penny General, Timothy and his mother spotted a mysterious figure watching them from atop a distant hill. Even from far away, he radiated an aura of pure power the likes of which has not been seen by any on this earth.

"OK, this is so unepic, guys!" the mystery figure roared at the top of his lungs. Then, he soared through the air at speeds that would even make The Flash blush, circling around the globe at least a dozen times before touching down softly in front of Timothy and his mother. She was frightened, and she had proper reason to be, for she knew that this man, no, this _unit_, was far more powerful than she could ever be.

"Who are you?" Timothy's mom inquired nervously, her voice shaky and uneven. This was no mere conspiracy; anyone would have done the same in her shoes.

"I am Ben Shapiro!" Ben Shapiro bellowed with all of his 5'7" Jewish glory. "I have come because I heard your child is unvaccinated. Most unepic."

Timothy's Mom scowled. "What I do with my child is my own business, and none of yours! Besides, don't you know that vaccines cause autism!?"

Now Ben Shapiro could have merely punched her lights out right there, and it would have saved him a decent chunk of time, but he was a man more moral than that. Instead, he drew a sheet of paper, neatly folded, from his front pocket, and handed it to her. "Actually, that is where your wrong. You see, vaccines are perhaps a little scary, given the sharp needles and all that jazz, but there are ultimately no links between vaccines and mental illness. Here, this paper contains all my citations, including the CDC, Publichealth dot org, and Autism Speaks, among many others."

Timothy's Mom took one look at the paper and scowled. "Do you expect me to believe all these government organizations and their bullcrap!? Get out of here, Mr. Shapiro! I know what's best for my family!"

Ben sighed, but he did not become angry. He was too reliant on the powers of **FACTS** and **LOGIC** to get angry. Instead, he went to Plan B. There was always a plan B.

"You know that your son will likely die without proper immunization, right?" Ben inquired. It was a sincere question, for everyone sometimes makes a careless error in the realm of logic, and this woman was no different. "Even if the claim you provide is substantiated and factual, would you not want your son to live _with _autism rather than having him _die _without it?"

Timothy's Mom froze in her tracks. Searching her mind, she tried to come up with some sort of righteous rebuttal, but her efforts proved fruitless. Gazing down, she saw her son staring back up at her, tears in his eyes. She loved that boy with all her heart, and the mere suggestion of him dying tore at her with the intensity of a crocodile's bite.

"Momma, am I gonna die?"

Timothy's Mom looked at Ben, then at her child, then at Ben, then at her child again. Finally, she caved.

"No," she finally whispered. "You're not gonna die. We're getting your shots, and we're getting them today, OK?"

Ben smiled. It wasn't a smug smirk relishing in yet another argumentative victory, but a genuine, happy smile. "OK, now that's pretty darn epic."

Timothy's Mom walked up to Ben Shapiro. There was no hatred in her eyes anymore, no baseless accusations about the danger of vaccines. Instead, there was a pleading glint to them.

"Promise. . . Promise me you're telling the truth."

"Of course I am. Facts don't care about your feelings."

She smiled. "Alright, I guess I have no choice but to trust you."

"Listen, ma'am," Ben began, grabbing her shoulder gently. "I know you're skeptical of what government organizations may tell you, and to a certain extent, you have reason to be. However, the evidence that vaccines are ultimately harmless is just too overwhelming to ignore. Please, be careful in the future. There are a lot of conspiracy theories circulating the internet, and I don't want people getting hurt by falling for them, OK?"

Timothy's Mom nodded, then pulled him into a hug. "Thank you, Ben," she spoke, and her gratitude was nothing short of sincere. "I'll take little Timothy to the doctor as soon as I can."

"That's what I like to hear," Ben said. He pulled away from her, grinning from ear-to-ear. "It's a pretty epic choice."

Timothy walked over to Ben, and his eyes sparkled with joyous wonder. "Thank you for saving my life, Ben Shapiro."

"All in a day's work!" Ben replied as he bent down to meet Timothy. "I can't wait to see your _a cappella _performance on Wednesday night, OK, buddy?"

Timothy's mouth hung agape, for he had to take a moment to soak in what Ben said. At last, however, he began to jump up and down joyously. "Yay! This is epic! This is epic! This is epic!"

"Well, I suppose I better be heading off," Ben informed the mother. "Take good care of that kid, you hear? I'm counting on you."

Timothy's mother scooped her child into her arms before offering a grin of her own. "I will, Ben Shapiro!"

"**FACTS **and **LOGIC**! I call upon your powers!" Ben exclaimed, his voice booming with the thunderous intensity of Mongol cavalry over the Central Asian steppes. Then, in a flash, he soared high into the air and disappeared out of sight.


End file.
